From a Tooth Brush...To a Room Mate

It usually just starts with something as simple as a toothbrush.

It’s amazing how something as innocuous as a toothbrush could have so many repercussions down the line. You see I was brushing my teeth and I noticed another toothbrush next to mine…and I live alone.

Alarm bells rang. This is how it usually starts. Fail to nip it in the bud and see how it escalates.

Guys check this scenario out... Your guy rings you up for a Friday rendezvous. You guys go on a drinking binge hitting all the spots. Usually we begin from a normal bar where they sell pump price beer, then proceed to a karaoke bar(there are loads of this around now) where you hope to hook up with ‘working class’ girls, then to a strip club and  the final destination of a club.

Then your guy tells you, he is gonna crash over. Of course you agree, after all, gals dey around to double-smash into the wee-hours of the morning. He crashes over. Next day shows, you guys trade stories from the last night, laugh over it, brag over it, while drinking beer and watching Premiership.

Two days in, your guy has not left your house. He spends the weekend. Of course, it’s all fun and games here. He finally decides to leave on Sunday evening. Good riddance…or so…you think. He leaves with everything except his toothbrush.

See ehn…anyone who leaves his/her toothbrush in your house has PLANS! They are coming back. 

So your guys mid-week rings you up again. He wants to spend the night. He has an interview or some bullshit stuff the next day. Can he stay over and crash? ‘No wahala’, you say. He comes through, this time with a tiny bag. Know this today and learn from this, that bag might look small but can contain more clothing materials than Sport Billy’s kit back.

Slowly but surely, your guy would refuse to go… He starts to hang his cloth inside your cupboard. He starts to drag remote with you. Your neighbours start to know his name, your Landlord thinks he is cool, He starts to have his own extra key, has his own female guests come through at will, Starts to use your own master bedroom for shenanigans, sometimes you are locked out and have to knock for him to open the door, he has his own special drink in your fridge…My fridge o!, your parents will start to call his phone when they can’t get through to you, you come home and see your girlfriend and his girlfriend all buddied up, he starts hanging his photographs chronicling his achievements in your living room, he starts paying bills with you(if he is responsible). Some daring ones even start inviting their own friends over to crash without permission…in your house o!

Just from a toothbrush, he becomes your official room mate.

The toothbrush is a dangerous weapon. Early detection is key! Notice it and the best advice I can give to you is to give it back to the owner asap. Leave it at your own peril and see it multiply into a room mate or more.

You have been warned! 

Feel free to share your toothbrush experiences below.

Lasting Faster Than A Snapchat Video in Bed

Wow! Chuffed with the views I got on my last post. Inspiring stuff really. Been walking around like a proud Roman conqueror or that feeling guys feel when they satisfy their woman in bed.

See ehn, don’t let me lie to you, when guys perform in bed or get good feedback on their sex game, they strut around like an Adonis, walking around the bedroom, dick wiggling around with this satisfied I-Own-The-World smirk. 

Get that satisfied purr from your woman or that uncontrollable leg tremble from your side chick or whatever random gal you picked up and your day suddenly turns sunny.

Believe me it is a feat. It is not easy.

Truth is most guys before the sex part, during the flirting period boast to their would-be conquests like they wrote the book of Karma Sutra. After all, you have to sell your market now, even if you are selling a defective, one-thrust, OMG- I am cuming already goods. And the worst part is that you have a small window of opportunity to impress. In this world of independent ladies who can replace you with a vibrator, once you get that chance to knack you have to PERFORM. Perform here could mean lasting more than 5 minutes.

So to cheat this, what do guys turn to?

1. AGBO or Herbal Viagra:  Bone all this guys, forming tush. Most of us have one supplier selling Agbo on speed dial. This foul tasting liquid could be the difference between keeping and losing your woman to a machine or to the other guy sharp enough to invest in quality agbo.

You see, when your sex game is shorter than a Snapchat or Instagram video clip- Agbo is definitely your savior. So ladies, when you see a guy strutting around after murdering that pu**y, chances are that the latest strain of Agbo your guy just ingested is on point. The best ones are usually the non-alcoholic ones-makes you a stallion (Don’t ask me how I know sha). It’s just sometimes I wonder on the pain guys go through to pass that 15 minute mark of non-stop thrusting. Hours before your girl lands, see boys forcing this thing down their throat. Some even take it 24 hours before. Others revert to drinks like Alomo, Ogidiga, Babeje and other very suggestive names i have seen everywhere.

Ladies, nuff said, check your man’s house, in a corner somewhere is a bottle of agbo secretly hidden in a Eva bottle in black nylon reading to be a soaked in Seaman Aromatic Schnapps. I heard the ones bought from Cotonou are bad. It is bad to talk ill of peeps that just had a near-death experience, but which one Lamar Odom take sef?

2. Spanking The Monkey: Yep. Some adopt this. Before your gal shows up,a quick wank might help. So whatever your wanking aid is from KY Jelly to Dettol Cool, Dudu Osun or for extreme players-Aboniki, just make sure the initial gra-gra spermatozoa(the one that embarrasses you) is ejaculated. Watching your performance go from Snapchat 10 seconds to maybe a Vine 2 minutes performance.

3. Imagine Taribo West’ Face: Sexual experts are always like, when you feel you are about to nut, distract yourself. Think of something else…blah, blah, blah. So what I have tried is when I see that white wave of pleasure about to

engulf me and I know the music track I played which was incidentally ONLY 3 minute long and hasn’t even reached the chorus, what I do is imagine Taribo’s face. I swear. It works. Try it and watch seconds added to your thrust game. Your only enemy here is if you allow her ringtone pierce through your concentration efforts. Then brother, you are in Trouble.

4.  Withdrawal Method: This one is popular amongst boys. But gals don’t like it. When the gal is feeling you and all, you will now say, you want to comot prick to catch your breath. Not cool, not fair. Boys at this point will now start blaming the sweetness of the girl’s snatch. *Yawns*, regular excuse. Ironically, once you remove your stuff to catch your breath, once you re-insert, it’s like you never left. Shit just resumes like a DVD playing at last resumed point .Lol.

Ladies, this is not too say this ain’t your fault too. You know you will still knack this guy, yet you will make him stress himself, dry-hump, make him start pleading and saying ‘Just The Tip’. ‘Just let me inside, I won’t move’. The longer you make him suffer and wait, the faster the nigga would come. So, stop judging us when we cum prematurely. Not like it’s our fault sef. Hiss.

Enough of this dirty post I just wrote. Yuck. Feel free to suggest more in the comment section below. Pervs.

The Reboot

Finally! Yes Finally!! I am starting another blog.

The funny thing here is that it’s sheer greed that nudged me in this direction.

The sight of Linda Ikeji’s Banana island mansion and I’m like, Ahn! Ahn!! I can do this shit too now. I like the stylish way she stuck it up to our faces ‘middle finger style’ on how she flamboyantly acquired a property close to a billion Naira without having to perform fellatio on a wrinkled penis daily.

Let’s take a moment to imagine how Runz gals all over the federation feel right about now? Upon all their hustle and the mileage their vajayjay must have gone through, all they could perhaps show for it is a few trips here and there to Dubai, a 2^nd hand, Nigerian used vehicle and the best bleaching cream money can buy. Priorities.

Well, away from Linda and back to me. I stopped blogging some years ago because creativity deserted me. Work stress, maybe a lil too much Guinness but principally it was FEAR. I was afraid. Afraid of checking the analytics and discovering nobody gives a shit or reading. Back then, in my heyday, I had an audience, I felt power. It was a good feeling.

So today. I conquer this Fear *waves at Linda*.

This blog called Rantings of an Omo Boy is life as seen through my eyes and others. Factual encounters, fictional ones, hearsays…whatever the hell catches my fancy goes up on here. Yeah, some peeps might think I am yapping about them, some might take offence but frankly I do not give a flying f**k. If the shoe fits, wear it.

Don’t expect to see timely posts as this blog would be as erratic as ever.

Welcome once again to the workings of my beautiful,twisted mind.